Sometimes there is a woman

Our world disappoints me in many aspects. I fail to deal in an orderly manner with law and regulation when it impacts my ability to be free and let my mind fly.

I can’t deal with capitalism, i am poor at dealing with low empathy people, I am only starting to learn how to forgive the people that hurt me.

But then sometimes there is a woman, that makes the learning and pain worth it.

A woman that, on her own, decided to leave it all behind to go up in the Alps to run a 18th century built hotel, restaurant, pub in a 17th century sanctuary. She got beaten up by COVID-19 that forced her to close off her business, she raised up and called for help, she called me and she helped me deal with my demons of the past.

Sometimes there is a woman that is worth worshipping for the rest of my life.

Promise: I will never ask you for a CV

Over the years i have applied for many jobs, sent many CVs. I have also read many CVs and hired hundreds of people. That’s it I’m done with it.

Working with somebody is a very important human relationship, I am not going to ask you to describe yourself on a piece of paper because i am too lazy to take my time to know you.

Not only i am too lazy to get to meet you all, I also am so arrogant that i expect you will want to work for me. This is ridiculous. Why would i assume that you want to work with me without meeting me first?

Is it because i offer you a salary?

Well if that’s the only reason you want to work with me, then i might not want to work with you in the first place.

I’m done with CV’s. Keep an eye for job postings where i invite you ALL to meet me for a stroll on the beach, for a drink in a pub, for a meal in a restaurant, for a walk in the park.

If you think you want to, come over, let’s meet and see what we can do for each other.

The sunrise and the Indian Girl’s gift

Once upon a time there was a business consultant that travelled the world every day of every week of every year to follow his path.

When he was young, he loved travelling, but after over 10 years of that routine, he started to even finding the thought of yet another check in queue, delayed flight, angry passenger and 3 am alarms going off disturbing.

That morning his heart was serene, he was going to his favorite destination of them all. He was flying from Dublin to Europe. The destination he liked was not a specific country, it was an experience that he still loved after so many years. When he travelled to mainland Europe, he knew that if the flight was early enough, he would have met the sunrise over the left of his plane keeping him company for those magic minutes, when from darkness, a small speck of light appears to become a soft halo before exploding into a red ball of fire that colours the skies in front of any attentive left window plane passenger.

He craved that feeling every time, it seemed it was the only thing that kept him doing that job he didn’t love anymore and those trips he was starting to hate.

That morning he walked on the plane at 5:20 am full of excitement and anticipation for yet another unparalleled show of beauty, another sunrise from a flying plane, his job’s most loved perk.

When he walked to his window seat, he saw a young Indian girl sitting on his same row on the aisle side. There was something in her eyes that suggested sadness and unrest and he thought, “let me help her, she needs the sunrise more than me” and told the girl “good morning, I am on the window seat, but if you prefer it to your seat feel free to swap with me.”

The girl nodded and with a little smile she moved to the window and thanked him.

He knew what was going to happen soon, and the thought made his heart warm a bit. Wasn’t it beautiful to be able to donate a sunrise to a sad girl to brighten her eyes? He thought that the gesture was romantic and rejoyed of it.

He sat and waited.

The girl appeared to being nervous and alternating from reading something on her phone to look ito a copybook to find something to change in what she had probably written before. She was in pain, he didn’t know what it was but he could see some it.

And then it happened.

From a corner of her eyes, the beautiful red shades of the sunrise distracted her from the mobile phone. She looked up and her eyes were captured. He could see her attention had shot open and her sadness disappeared. Soon after she started taking pictures with her phone to try to capture that eternal beauty, that, for the first time, had met her sight on a plane.

She was happy like a little girl playing in the Indian sun he thought, and his heart was filled with joy for the fact that a little gesture of love had made her forget her reason to be sad. It was pure joy, he thought that he was seeing the sunrise he’d given up for her in her eyes, he was content.

With so much love in his heart he decided to send her a message, to be understood either now or one day in the future, so he turned to her and said “Did you like my beautiful present?”

He was taken aback when he saw that the girl’s eyes were now filled with sadness again. Did he distract her from the beauty of the sun back to her sadness? The thought terrified him. He had spoiled the moment he had helped create and he felt like shit.

She went back to taking pictures of the sun, he let her, because her eyes were newly happy, he would not risk destroying them again.

And then it hit him. He could give more love, a love without a trace of self, a true generous love so he went ahead and did it.

He said to the girl: “do you mind taking a couple of pictures of that beautiful sunrise for me?”. She didn’t hesitate this time and with a smile she reached for his phone. She took it and started pointing it to the sun, making sure she found the right angle and the right timing to try to show the devastating beauty of that sunrise. He watched interested, she was showing love for him, she was trying to give him the best sunrise she could get, he felt so happy.

She handed back the phone with a smile and the consultant looked at the last picture she took, still on the screen and said “Wow, thank you so much for taking this picture for me. Isn’t a sunrise so beautiful? Isn’t the knowledge that there will be another one tomorrow reassuring?” She looked at him with eyes that didn’t know if they had to be happy or sad and said “I love this sunrise, because it reminds me of the sunset of my youth. When I was a young girl I used to go meet my father returning from the sea and help him carry the fish back to our house for my mum to cook. That Kerala sunset on the Indian ocean is what i miss more about my father that is not with me anymore”

The consultant looked at her with a smile and a tear in his eyes and told her “Thank you for sharing your sunset with me, if you are ever sad again, share your sunsets with the people around you, you are giving them joy”

She smiled

One very simple tip to help teammates connect

A couple of years ago, I started working with a new development team. As a coach, I spend the first few days observing behaviours and saying very little beyond a joke here and there.

Well, this team didn’t seem to have a process or technical problem, but I noticed a strange trend at their morning standups. People were being a bit “bitchy” to each other and focusing on people rather than on the work to be done.

You could hear things like

“well, my card is still there because I have been spending all day reviewing Frank’s pull request, not great…”

or

“I was writing the new stories but then Jack changed his mind… again…”

et cetera, I’m pretty sure you know the drill.

So on day 3 I went to the standup and I said, folks, let’s do an experiment. Before you say anything, you have got to say something nice about one of your teammates, shall we try?”

People looked at me like if I had seven heads, so I went “I’ll go first. Frank, you’re looking good today, I like your shirt, very smart”

People laughed. Then they tried.

I could see they were spending some time trying to find something nice to say, they were looking at something they liked about their teammates.

As humans, we are very good at finding flaws in people, on the other hand, we need to make an effort to find something we like about them, but if we try, we can discover something that we like, helping us connect.

Another consequence of this approach was that people realised their behaviour was not acceptable without being told and felt that they came up with the idea of reducing the bitching remarks.

All in all an easy win with very little effort.

WARNING: This approach won’t produce any positive effect if the hostility between team members derives from long-standing hatred, but it works very well with newly formed teams where people are trying to make themselves noticed sometimes using means that might be confrontational to their teammates.

 

Can we train ourselves to be more empathetic?

how_does_that_make_you_feel_

For a good while, I have been thinking more and more about the impact of our behaviour on our success and the success of the organisations we are part of. This brought me to observe people’s behaviour in trying to achieve a goal and the different reactions that each approach caused.

I have also done some experiments myself, trying to achieve the same goal using different behaviours on purpose.

The differentiator in the behaviours I have been observing is empathy

The subjects I have observed are of the type: developer, tester, analyst, business stakeholder, manager, leader.

What I found out is that the difference in the success of people with high empathy versus the less empathetic ones is astonishing. It is a different ball game. Empathetic people, get things done while building strong relationships and creating an enjoyable environment.

On the other hand, I have seen extremely skilled and capable people struggle to get anything done because their lack of empathy for their teammates made them choose behaviours that instead of achieving their goal, frustrated them and in some extreme cases made them withdraw into a corner full of anger and resentment with a common mantra: “they are idiots and they don’t understand”.

Being very empathetic, I feel very bad for them and I want to try to help.

You control how empathetic you are

The first thing I can do to help my less empathetic readers is to demonstrate to you that you are in control and can train your empathy to become more successful.

I believe we decide whether we want to act with empathy or not. Empathy is not in our DNA, it can be learned and improved. How do I know that? 

Let me tell you a story

A few years ago, driven by my burning curiosity, I had managed to get the hang on agile software development and I really thought I knew a lot about it.

Being an extrovert, I thrive when I am in the presence of big groups of people. At the same time, I am also an avid learner and I know that for me, sharing my thoughts in public, is the most effective way of learning something new.

One obvious  way of taking advantage of this two aspects of my character was to start participating actively to some Agile and Agile testing online groups with the honest intent to help people that needed help and learn in the process.

I tried. It was a train wreck.

My goal was learning by helping people resolve their problems, but the result was that I was pissing people off and pushing them further away from subjects that they found already enough challenging before they met me, the annoying Italian dickhead that thought he knew everything.

What was the cause of this disaster?

Was my knowledge on the subject not sufficient? Did I fail because of my incompetence?

No.

I knew enough to help the people starting with agile, I had the necessary knowledge and skills.

So what?

One day, I started following the answers of another person in the group let’s call him Mr. Joe. He was saying the same things I was saying, we agreed on everything, we even spoke a few times about how much we cared for the agile community and how much we wanted to help.

So, same skills, same motivation. Was he annoying people like me?

No. People loved him. They asked him direct questions and thanked him all the time.

I remember in one specific case, I got frustrated as I had spent quite a long time replying to a quite complex question with a good solution, then after I already did, Mr. Joe said the same things I said, in different terms.  and the person asking the question would thank him and ignore me.

Guess what? The person asking the question thanked Mr. Joe and completely blanked me.

Can you imagine? Somebody asks a question. I give him the right answer. Mr. Joe gives him the right answer after me. Mr. Somebody thanks Mr. Joe and blanks me.

I knew something was wrong and I started trying to find patterns, similarities and differences between me and Mr. Joe.

Then one day it hit me.

I was answering to “say the right thing”. Mr. Joe was answering because he cared that the person that asked the question would learn.

I felt stupid and ashamed of myself. I was really down. I realised how self-centered and selfish I had been while acting righteously as the “saviour of agile”.

Discovering bad things about ourselves is painful, but life has taught me that it is also the best thing that can happen to us because that’s the time we can make a decision to change and improve our lives.

I changed, bit by bit, slowly. Before answering any question on the forum, I started asking myself:

This person came to a public forum and asked for help on a subject he doesn’t know well, how might he feel?

How might this answer affect his feeling?

If I say this will he feel bad? How about I say it like this, same message but more positive, will he feel any better?

And it worked.

empathy

Week after week I started to get people contact me privately and thanking me for my time and help. They were telling me how my message had helped them resolve the problem.

I had been doing that exact same job for years and nobody ever did thank me. Then it became a stream of people thanking me for my help.

Be considerate, mindful, empathise with others. They will feel your empathy and compassion. They will want to work with you and their actions will also make you feel good about yourself.

It’s a win-win, we are both happy, why don’t you try?